Mummibear at home

When we first joined the internet communities and homeschooling my children were young, and from a family tradition about Gummibears, I became the Mummibear of the family. For many years this was my internet name - Mummibear. My daughter recently reminded me that it made her feel safe and protected. A good name.

Over the years depression and burnout took their toll. Trying to be good enough for family and in-laws to accept our homeschooling, rebuilding everything after relocating back to my husband's family town, picking up the pieces after a series of incidents that firmly closed the door on dreams of moving into pastoral ministry. and then moving elsewhere to begin a life of our own where we could hopefully start fresh.



As burnout hit the Mummibear seemed more of a grumpy, rough bear than a loving protective mum, and with all the good intentions or trying to fix it all I changed my online name... Recently I've come slowly to understand a little more about what has caused, feed and trapped me in this state. Some days the sun rises in a clear blue sky with joy and happiness, sometimes it doesn't. God has been good. Not everything has been fixed, but at least now the feelings have a name and each reaction is not so much a situation that is new and needs to be fixed, but a symptom of long standing disillusionment.



I've also come to realize that for us as a family medication isn't necessarily the answer, partly because my husband dislikes the idea and partly because its side effects on me almost out weigh the healing opportunities it provides. Counseling is another side that has been tried and well counseling was what started the journey back to my husband's hometown. (We're now a little nervous of heading down this path. Mainly because I believe that the quality of counseling depends very much on the experience and character of the counselor, and I have yet to be inspired enough to pay the funds we don't have in order to risk what progress we have gained. )

This is a journey of understanding and discovery that God has the keys to, even if I don't at this stage understand it. It is a journey that has effected every member of my immediate family. I wish it was otherwise. In many cases has been exasperated by others. Yet is something that we alone can find the keys too and healing from, with the help of those who have also gone ahead of us on the journey.



Yes I am still grasping at good days and good things trying to build them into my life. Yes there is fallout as I recognize the bad, and don't yet have the skills to set comfortable boundaries. Life goes on and what seems good as an idea becomes full of difficulties. Yes we have around us a number of people that mimic those who initially caused the depression in the first place. Some weeks are hard full of discovery, some days are beautiful and full of hope. This week has had all of the above.



In this journey though is a wonderful understanding of the joy of family, love, good friends, the beauty that is available to all of us in nature and relationships and the discovery of the love that God has for each of his children despite their mistakes and faults.

It is good to type and think out loud - even if I don't always have a good understanding of public and private. Then again - with only one or two close friends and family a long way off sometimes the gaps between what seems perfect on the outside and the reality of true normal living leave us constantly feeling like we fall far shorter than the mark than the reality is.