A New Year

New Year's Sunrise - East Cape

I like the beginning of the year - time to get away from the routine, unwind and rest. Each new year seems clean and fresh when you simply sit and watch the sun rise on it. This year we got to enjoy one of hte first sunrises in the world - and fortunately it was clear enough to be able to enjoy it.

Coming back refreshed, time to think and plan, time to relax and enjoy. We school better when I'm relaxed. Much better - new year resolution Even Mum needs to take weekends off!

Watered Down Orange Juice or Orange Juice in the Water...

About a year ago, maybe two age sat in church listening to a sermon on how we needed to be getting the real juice, making sure that what we were learning wasn't watered down, but that it was the real thing.

The sermon illustration was in terms of watered down fruit juice vs the real thing. The sermon bugged me, not least because in this church the Gospel and Scripture had taken second place.  I left the sermon with the distinct feeling the problem wasn't that we were watering down the truth, the problem was we distrusted the "living water" and saw it as corrupting the truth. Yes I pushed the metaphor further than was ever intended. With the Woman in Samaria, Jesus presents himself as the living water, that which quenches all our thirsts.


Last week listening to the podcast series on doctrine from Mars Hill (Mark Driscoll) he made comment on psychology as a distortion of how we see the world. Mmm. Lots to think about.

Yes I still work on forgiveness, but I also work on being careful with my I statements, providing rewards for good behavior, withdrawing privileges when the kids are disobedient..etc Just below the surface are lots of psychology based ideas. I'm still working through this but I can see that psychology and its roots in humanism and self, are never going to answer the problems of a fallen human being living in a sinful world. I need to look at the depth to which I relate to the world from a Christian worldview, compared to a humanistic worldview with Christian covering.

Initially this compassionate and caring mum is at least starting to unpack some of the guilt of trying to discipline her children, and being afraid of doing lasting damage...and the frustration of not being able to motivate (should that read manipulate them into doing what I want them to do.) and the confusion of living life in a world of grey, especially where love, authority, grace, and forgiveness get mixed up with preserving self confidence, rewards, roomtimes, family conferences, consequences and punishments.Too much of our days are spent working through the negotiations and explanations that try to create ownership in the kids about what they need to do, and the kids second guessing what we need to say, so that we can do what were were always going to do without mum realizing for at least a while longer. .

Sometimes it really would be a heap easier if I only had to work with the simple right and wrong, a yes is yes, a no is no, a maybe means I'll think about it carefully  and an assignment just needs to be done the way mum asked for it. Maybe it really is just that simple, maybe or is that hopefully the reason why I find myself head to head with strong willed children.  Something to work on, something to work through.

Facing the Giants

For a long time we have been trying to find the balance between our kids wills and trying to keep a tidy home and a regular homeschool program.

We all love homeschooling, its just that for Mum and Dad - learning featured much higher in that than for the kids.

Trying to find the balance has been a journey, one that has needed much prayer and thought. Its had some ups and some downs...ok lots of downs. Not because homeschooling is hard, just well three strong willed kids and a determined mum can give some interesting results. I've learned a lot about my kids, education, sibling rivalry and life along the way.

This year has seen a lot of change in how we home school and how we react to each other. I've had to work out what my motivation is - to prove that homeschooling works, to have really smart kids, or because we love God and each other and believe that this is the best option for our families education.

Last Monday we showed the kids a film that is having huge results in how we talk about school and how we respond to each other. The film "Facing the Giants" comes from the same people who produced "Fireproof" and while blatantly Christian it has an equally good message - Give God your Best and leave the rest - good or bad, win or loose up to him. He can do the impossible - or not... our job it to give him our best and give him glory. The kids watched the film with us and they are thinking. Thinking and acting on what we saw - and that's good.

Knowing God - Packer

In the last few weeks I've given up on hearing a biblical sermon at our local church. I'd love to move churches, but so far we haven't had much success in finding the right place.

The emergent church philosophy seems to have taken most of our churches by storm, or well the old liberalism is still got enough of a grip that we're picking up the pieces after the sermon... at least where we are the kids ministry is solid, encouraging and the kids and I have friends there.

So until God says move, we'll be hanging in the background, and strengthening our devotional life at home.

My Bible reading is becoming more encouraging and we've a settled pattern of devotions which I am enjoying.. But I need to re ground myself in what is true..It has been a long time since solid teaching has made its way to my ears. So its time to raid the bookshelves and spend Sunday's curled up with a good book. The first one - "Knowing God" by J I Packer....

Mummibear at home

When we first joined the internet communities and homeschooling my children were young, and from a family tradition about Gummibears, I became the Mummibear of the family. For many years this was my internet name - Mummibear. My daughter recently reminded me that it made her feel safe and protected. A good name.

Over the years depression and burnout took their toll. Trying to be good enough for family and in-laws to accept our homeschooling, rebuilding everything after relocating back to my husband's family town, picking up the pieces after a series of incidents that firmly closed the door on dreams of moving into pastoral ministry. and then moving elsewhere to begin a life of our own where we could hopefully start fresh.



As burnout hit the Mummibear seemed more of a grumpy, rough bear than a loving protective mum, and with all the good intentions or trying to fix it all I changed my online name... Recently I've come slowly to understand a little more about what has caused, feed and trapped me in this state. Some days the sun rises in a clear blue sky with joy and happiness, sometimes it doesn't. God has been good. Not everything has been fixed, but at least now the feelings have a name and each reaction is not so much a situation that is new and needs to be fixed, but a symptom of long standing disillusionment.



I've also come to realize that for us as a family medication isn't necessarily the answer, partly because my husband dislikes the idea and partly because its side effects on me almost out weigh the healing opportunities it provides. Counseling is another side that has been tried and well counseling was what started the journey back to my husband's hometown. (We're now a little nervous of heading down this path. Mainly because I believe that the quality of counseling depends very much on the experience and character of the counselor, and I have yet to be inspired enough to pay the funds we don't have in order to risk what progress we have gained. )

This is a journey of understanding and discovery that God has the keys to, even if I don't at this stage understand it. It is a journey that has effected every member of my immediate family. I wish it was otherwise. In many cases has been exasperated by others. Yet is something that we alone can find the keys too and healing from, with the help of those who have also gone ahead of us on the journey.



Yes I am still grasping at good days and good things trying to build them into my life. Yes there is fallout as I recognize the bad, and don't yet have the skills to set comfortable boundaries. Life goes on and what seems good as an idea becomes full of difficulties. Yes we have around us a number of people that mimic those who initially caused the depression in the first place. Some weeks are hard full of discovery, some days are beautiful and full of hope. This week has had all of the above.



In this journey though is a wonderful understanding of the joy of family, love, good friends, the beauty that is available to all of us in nature and relationships and the discovery of the love that God has for each of his children despite their mistakes and faults.

It is good to type and think out loud - even if I don't always have a good understanding of public and private. Then again - with only one or two close friends and family a long way off sometimes the gaps between what seems perfect on the outside and the reality of true normal living leave us constantly feeling like we fall far shorter than the mark than the reality is.

The Shack

I think this is one of the most controversial books I have read in a while - most of my email groups have an opinion - usually on the lines of proceed with great caution and only if you have to read it. The introduction I have from a friend - it has a bit of an unusual take on the trinity but its really good for getting you to think. (This same friend passed me "So you don't want to Go to Church Anymore" a while back and I valued its timely reminder that Jesus is not the church, and its him not the church that we as Christians are here to serve.)

Halfway through and I'm enjoying it. It challenged my reality of unconditional love - I knew I didn't live in that reality, I just needed a challenge to show me how far from that reality I am. My head speaks of God's unconditional love, my reality is a life trying to keep everyone around me happy, to meet expectations and to try and make the grade. Hubby was already half way through the book before I picked it up had said it would do me good. On this one issue alone it was worth wading through the icky introduction to the story.

I've found it affirming, God all powerful all knowing all loving - yet honest and respectful in relationship with us. God - who is who he is, not needing or desiring the human hierarchies that in my experience often do more harm than good. (I have to go a long way back in my walk with God to find a church that trusted God, affirmed his word and lived what they read in his word.
Church politics definitely sets of warning bells around here.)

God who sits at that point, often just out of my comprehension where his sovereignty, and our free will can co-exist and yet not diminish the reality of either. Where sin is always wrong and evil, and yet can be redeemed and transformed beyond our understanding to bring out what is truly good. Redemption that occurs with relationship, understanding and God's forgiveness nad mercy. God who understand that our lives are messy, our images warped, and our relationship with him full of presuppositions that come from our families our world, our churches. Maybe I have yet to get to the controversial stuff, or maybe the writer assumes we have already grounded ourselves in the head knowledge of our faith and simply need a shake up to engage our hearts. After all relationship isn't a purely intellectual exercise.

I'm looking forward to wresting it off hubby and finishing my read ... in truth I'm playing of Blogger simply to avoid taking the book away from him.

Clearing the decks

We finally finished our first week of school yesterday afternoon. Finally because I had only intended to work a 4 day week and have Friday - Waitangi day off down at the lake.

But the way things worked out we needed a couple more days to work out that I wasn't going to spend this year rescheduling every month or so. (Or maybe I needed to see that I could be a happy rested home-school mum, or a stressed home-school mum who had home-group at her house with baking for supper and lead worship in the second service at church each week.)

I have so enjoyed getting my life under control during the holidays, seeing myself relax, my kids happy, and spending the first part of the week enjoying working with them and teaching them. Truly there were enough hours in the day to run the house, teach and have fun. We finally have heaps of fun relaxed happy pictures of my middle child! My kids are playing with each other more and having less power struggles in doing so!! This summer was good!

Playing catch up on Friday and Sat brought its own stress. Stress that went fairly soon if I could enjoy coming beside the kids and working with them, but sat around if I worried about what else I had to do, or why we weren't relaxing and recharging the batteries for the next week.

Enough stress to tell me that if I added in a weekly evening commitment for home-group and several hours of evening or school time preparation for worship well the glue that held our family together would definitely disintegrate. Which isn't my idea of fun. (I've spent enough years stressed out to realize that any chance to avoid this should be grabbed with both hands.). Add in that both Tony and I want to work on being more hospitable and enjoying the Sunday lunch with guests thing and I could see disaster on the horizon.

So my beloved made the phone calls that were needed to say that I couldn't do those things that term. Which may or may not mean this year. In the freedom that followed I can see that almost all of them put our family's need on the back burner, not always for a positive trade off. Given that leading worship used to be the thing that put a spring in my step its interesting to see the relief that I currently feel in having that commitment drop from my shoulders.

So now we have clear decks to see what God has in store for our family this year...

Prodigals

I'm preparing to lead worship this morning at church - and feeling on shaky footing. Its been a messy rough week with my middle child. Lots of questions in this Mum's heart, am I doing the right thing, is it my sin or his sin or both that is leading to the damage in the relationship. Is it all just over-reaction.

When I wrote this I was also looking at music to play at the beginning of the service and across communion. I picked though the cd's that I had and started to listen to a collection called simply "Focus on the Prodigal". The songs speak of God's unconditional love. The welcoming back of the lost son, by a Father that loves and waits, whether he returns or not. Track after track spoke into the situation that I faced with my son, and more so my relationship with God, tarnished with the sin aof a relationship badly handled, and the shame of it not being right.

The CD has become a central part of my quiet times this week ans I read and re-read the story of the prodigal in Luke, a reminder to worship first and formost in my time with God. A doorway to confession, recongnition and healing through Jesus Christ my Lord.

Forgiveness

I've often stumbled on the issue of forgiveness - both in forgiving others and receiving forgiveness. Not in terms of wanting to or not wanting to. I realize how much God wants us to forgive others both in the little things and the life changing dream-shattering events in our lives.

Always previously I have focussed on forgiveness being needed for my healing, a process of letting go and stopping the hurt that a situation brings. Sometimes that's a slow process. Today's thoughts came from a new angle. They made forgiving easier - cleaner, simpler.

Todays insight came with the realization that if the person I am forgiving is a believer, someone who has accepted God's forgiveness then God's Spirit will be at work in their lives and eventually whatever hurt me will get resolved, somehow, in God's timing.

If they haven't asked for and received God's forgiveness then they have bigger issues than whatever I am struggling with. It simply doesn't matter whether my issue remains on the slate or not. I can let it go and move on.

For me this is a new perspective on the issue. It has been good to clear the decks.